Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Friday, Mar. 01, 2013

Paige Kellerman - Top 5 ways to survive being snowed in with small children

Special to The Star

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I’m reporting to you live from the Split-level. Surrounded by snow, holding on to sanity, the Kellermans are in close quarters but still intact. Barely.

Nature decided it hated Kansas and tried to white it out. We are currently the great typewriter correction of the good, old USA.

The recent weather means, of course, that many parents and children have been trapped with each other for inordinate amounts of time. After I write this with all the steadiness my damaged psyche can muster, I’ll be calling Oprah to see if she’d like to spearhead some sort of campaign centered around relief funds for parents snowed in with toddlers.

Hopefully we can book Aerosmith for the benefit concert, before they’ve gotten too comfortable at the Shady Acres retirement home.

At any rate, if you, too, are snowed in with little people this week, here are a few things that may help pass the time:

1. Moonshine: Whoa, whoa, whoa, before you get all up in arms, I’m not suggesting you let small children handle liquor. We hear at There’s More Where That Came From have a strong policy against toddlers carrying their own beer.

What I am saying is there’s no harm in you distilling it while the little ones work on the labels for the bottles.

2. Hide and seek: Take the moonshine up to the attic while the kids count to 10. Over the next hour, shout through the rafters, “Still here. Keep looking.” Try not to spill any of that liquid gold on any Rubbermaid tubs filled with clothes. It’s all fun and games until you pull on that sun dress next summer and then try to light a cigarette.

3. Drawing: Get out the crayons and make signs to put in the windows, like:

“Children For Sale”

“Adult Looking For Loving Home”

“I’ve Been Kidnapped”

4. Cooking: Provided you remembered to stock up on provisions before the big storm hit, try making a new recipe. After the smoke clears, use the crayons to make and send Thank You cards to both the fire department and poison control.

I know you’re thinking, “Thank You cards?”

But it’s not an outdated practice yet, and these people work hard. Don’t make them an afterthought.

5. Umm... Are you already out of moonshine? Fire up that distillery again.

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and other pleasures at You can reach her at

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