Friday, Sep. 12, 2008

Hovering parents can hamper students' progress

Kay Heck understands how tempting it can be.

Her daughter was juggling extra-curricular activities and had “homework out the yin-yang.” On top of that, Heck’s daughter was on a college search, looking for good pre-medicine programs. It could have been so simple to just fill out a couple of college applications on her daughter’s behalf.

“You love your child, and you want to make things easier,” Heck said. “But my daughter wanted to be a doctor. There’s no way it would have helped her become a doctor if I would have done it for her.”

After 35 years as a parent watching five children grow up, Heck has seen what “overboard” can look like. She’s seen it in parents who yell at teachers about their child missing out on a solo, a good position on the team, a good grade or even a compliment.

“It gets to a point where it is like bullying,” Heck said. “I think a parent can start running a child’s life, and a child needs to learn how to make decisions. It’s easy to do because you love your kids, but they don’t learn lessons in life by doing that for them.”

That “overboard” parent has gotten a new name: a helicopter parent. It’s a parent who hovers close to his or her child to help the child avoid pain, rejections or mistakes. The helicopter parent can hover even as his or her child enters college or the job market.

“Helicopter parent” is a term Genea Bruner, counselor at Olathe Northwest High School, has heard more of in the last year in counselor and educator circles.

“It is definitely a major concern in colleges right now,” Bruner said.

To avoid the helicopter effect advancing from high school to college, Bruner said she encourages juniors and seniors to look at colleges on their own. She requires students be present during a meeting regarding college and that they fill out their own applications.

“Colleges notice when a parent fills out an application,” Bruner said.

Different levels of helicopter parents are seen at the admissions office of the University versity of Kansas, said Lisa Pinamonti Kress, director of admissions. Most often they’re seen during college visits asking questions and not letting their children speak.

“We want parents to be involved, but we don’t want them to do everything for their student,” Pinamonti Kress said. “It’s important for students to take that responsibility because it sets them up for success. It is helpful when the parents are there as a resource, not overly involved.”

In general, the biggest struggle for parents as students go from high school to college comes when parents don’t understand that state law prohibits the release of grades to parents once their children are no longer minors, Bruner said. It’s an adjustment for parents when grades are readily available from kindergarten to 12th grade. In the last few years, parents in the Olathe school district have had Internet access to their child’s grade information anytime they want it.

The district also encourages parents to be involved. Parent participation is an important part of student learning, said Gretchen Sherk, director of career and technical education.

“Parents aren’t discouraged from participating,” Sherk said. “Our expectation is that parents’ involvement and actions are not in violation of district policy or that they don’t impede the learning process for their child or for other children.”

Even still, Sherk said parents must face the “responsibility” of “letting the strong foundation they’ve helped their child to build provide the support for their child’s decisions, choices and subsequent outcomes.”

That transition is most important during adolescence, said Jim Lee, a therapist with KVC Behavioral Healthcare.

“Adolescence is a period of disengagement,” Lee said. “You get those kids whose parents rule with an iron fist, who don’t let them make decisions and go to college their first semester. A lot will fail and make poor decisions because they’ve not had a chance to make a good decision on their own.”

In extreme cases, parent involvement can lead to dependent personality disorder or unhealthy emotional bonds between parents and their children.

“A person needs a certain amount of independence in order to succeed,” Lee said.

In the best situations, parents act as role models and key partners in their children’s education, Sherk said.

“A parent’s involvement conveys the message to the child that school/education is important,” Sherk said. “...Parents bring a wealth of information about their child to the table as we work together toward positive educational outcomes.”

That communication is kept open through parent newsletters, school Web sites, calls or e-mails.

“If there’s a concern, a parent should begin by approaching and working with the staff member closest to the question/issue,” Sherk said.

Holly Kabler has children in elementary school. She volunteers, is active in the PTO and eats lunch with her children at school. Volunteering at the school has helped her keep an open line of communication with teachers. She knows whom to ask whenever she has a question about her children. Teachers are an important resource, Kabler said.

“I have always felt comfortable going to talk to the teachers and asking them questions,” Kabler said. “(One teacher) said you know your son better than I do, but here are some suggestions.”

She knows there will be less communication with teachers as he gets older, but she will continue to be involved in her son’s education, she said.

“I think that the more you are involved at home, even if it is your child seeing you cutting box tops to help the school, your child will tend to do better in school,” Kabler said. “Being involved in the school and in their education shows that you care.”

Lindsay Wuttke, a language arts teacher at Olathe East High School, posts grades online, welcomes talks and e-mails with parents and even has a Web site where parents have their own link for parent information. But she also makes sure that if she talks to a parent about an issue, she talks to the student about positive and negative aspects of his or her learning. Parents, teachers and students work as a team responsible for the students’ education, she said.

“I want students to be aware how I am communicating with their parents,” Wuttke said. “That way they don’t feel like I am going behind their back.”

But with more than 100 sophomores to teach every day, the parents are an important part of the team, she said.

“I want parents to be involved because it helps students to perform better to have someone keeping them accountable, to give them a push,” Wuttke said.

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